SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In an incredible two-for-one bargain, Elon Musk now completely owns both Twitter and Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
“Wow, total ownership of a U.S. Representative. What a deal!” said Mr. Musk as he strolled into Twitter headquarters. “Minus half the planet suddenly hating my guts for no clear reason, this is turning out great!”
Though not a part of the initial transaction, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez graciously offered for Elon Musk to publicly assume ownership of her for a mere eight additional dollars. “Really, I was touched by her kindness to make the ownership agreement so public,” said Mr. Musk. “Most people get cold feet and end up reneging on the deal, then try to delete the evidence. But not AOC, she just kept making one pronouncement after another to show the entire world that I now own her. I really do appreciate how easy she made it, since the Twitter thing has been a little crazier than I hoped.”
While continuing to publicly display receipts of her new ownership, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez has made a few bizarre statements to the contrary. “I’m not owned! I’m not owned!!!” she shouted repeatedly in a video posted for followers. “I will explain to my fifty million followers how Elon Musk is totally violating my right to free speech, just as soon as I can figure out how to get my head out of this dog door!”
At publishing time, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez had reportedly been spotted screaming at an Apple store clerk that charging money for an iPhone violated her right to free speech.
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