DALLAS, TX — Local ophthalmologist Dr. Kyler Moore has admitted that the air puff machine doesn’t measure anything, and eye doctors do that purely for the joy of watching people flinch.
“I can’t believe how many people we have convinced that there’s some scientific reason for blasting air into someone’s eye,” cackled Dr. Moore. “That’s pretty much the dumbest thing you could possibly do to an eyeball. But good gracious is it entertaining to watch! I like to really build the suspense, sort of like those free-fall rides at Six Flags.”
The air puff machine was reportedly developed by an eye doctor simply trying to break the monotony of a boring day asking if “one” or “two” looked better. “Honestly, being an eye doctor can be pretty repetitive and tedious,” said Dr. Moore. “My one small joy is being able to make a big tattooed-up tough guy squirm like a scared little puppy,” said Dr. Moore. “I’ve even attached a little camera to the machine that snaps a picture a millisecond after the air puff hits their eye. I have a whole wall of incredible ‘reaction pics’. It’s my pride and joy.”
Over the years, newer versions of the air puff machine have allowed eye doctors to tailor the power of the air puff based on how much they like the patient. “For sweet old grandmas, I turn it way down,” said Dr. Moore. “On the other hand, I have a setting called ‘The Tornado’ for anyone who’s a jerk to my staff, or for professors. I literally blasted a physics professor into the wall last week – he had it coming.”
At publishing time, Dr. Moore had reportedly set the machine to “Tornado” after a middle-aged woman demanded to see evidence that dilating drops do not contain avocado, because she once had a really bad reaction to some guacamole.
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