KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN — Individuals and organizations are quitting Twitter in droves to protest Elon Musk’s “recklessly violent” decision to reinstate Donald Trump’s Twitter account, chief among them the Taliban.
The legitimate government’s final tweet read, “So long, and thanks for all the American weapons!”
“Long has Twitter served a safe haven of free speech for North Korea, Iran, Al Qaeda, and ourselves,” said Taliban Spokesman Badrash Onmyrhir, still tired from a long day of lashing young women for daring to remove their head scarves. “But with Trump’s return to the platform, we no longer feel safe from his violent and hurtful tweets.”
North Korean Press Secretary, Hae Yu Suk applauded the Taliban’s decision, saying: “We, The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea have followed The Taliban’s courageous gesture and have quit Twitter for fears that allowing a violent lunatic access to the free speech platform may lead to the deaths of millions.”
Al Qaeda is reportedly up in the air about quitting Twitter, stating legitimate fears that Trump’s mean tweets could reign terror upon the world, while at the same time recognizing Twitter as a powerful tool for recruiting suicide bombers.
At publishing time, the Taliban had already resumed using Twitter, stating in a tweet, “After pausing for much of the weekend to assess our concerns, The Taliban is resuming its activity on Twitter as we continue to monitor the situation.”
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: