The worst part about the holiday season is dealing with relatives you’d rather not see. I’m Irish, and there are family members I only see at weddings and funerals. Otherwise, we neglect each other the way a liberal cuckboy ignores a check engine light.

Sometimes we have no choice but to endure and entertain a bolshie cousin or in-law. That doesn’t mean the evening is lost.

What if you could serve up some patriotic cocktails and not let the apparatchik know what she/he/it is drinking until they have pounded a few?

Consider these libations as bolshie-be-gone drinks. Once they know what they’ve ingested, they’ll ask for their fake fur coats and leave your home until next year.

Here are five patriotic cocktails guaranteed to clear your home of commie madness. Don’t tell them the name of the drink until after they’ve downed a few sips.

Thye’ll ask, “This is delicious, what is it?” Tell them the name and enjoy their anguish.

High-Capacity Magazine

  • three parts Bulleit bourbon
  • 1/3 part triple sec
  • 1/3 part sweet vermouth
  • three dashes of black walnut bitters

The nerve! How dare you serve this to a lib!

AP Photo/Jason DeCrow

All Lives Matter

  • white Disoronno
  • Kahlua
  • whiskey (cheap, never waste the good stuff on a fruh-fruh drink)

This tasty mixture of equal — and I stress the equal — parts white, black, and brown spirits is sure to please the palate and yet enrage the sensibilities of your liberal sister-in-law and her tri-binary, blue-haired boi?-friend.

Portland, BLM
AP Photo/Noah Berger

Cultural Appropriation

  • chilled jalapeno-flavored Tanteo tequila
  • lime juice

Literally, nothing in this cocktail comes from the United States, yet here is your bolshie cousin sucking them down like zhe is going to die by lethal injection tomorrow. Watch zhim lose its religion when you tell zhou the name of the drink. Please video the reaction and send it to me.

Trans Women Are Dudes in Dresses

  • one shot of Raspberry vodka
  • fill with lemonade
  • garnish with two raspberries and one banana. Arrange accordingly. You see where I’m going here.

I think this cocktail speaks for itself. It’s a girly drink decorated with, uh… you know.

2nd Amendment

  • three parts Gunpowder gin
  • 1/2 part creme Yvette
  • 1/2 part lemon juice, perhaps more–your call
  • three drops of lavender bitters

The purple color of this delicious treat will remind your commie cousin of his (yes, I’m assuming gender) hair color. Guaranteed to draw liberal tears.

There you have it, folks. Five holiday cocktails— all of which I’ve invented and consumed — that are guaranteed to trigger your anti-American visitors and flush them out of your home for at least one year.

If you have more cocktail ideas, please leave them in the comments section, or leave me good, patriotic names for drinks and I’ll invent them for Christmas.


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