Everyone agrees soccer is boring and America needs to fix it, but how? Here are ten simple ways to make soccer interesting, since the rest of the planet apparently remains intent on making us watch it every four years.

  1. Goalies must be double amputees – no more scoreless draws! Any two limbs will do.
  2. Supply one “enforcer” on each team with a taser – finally, the guy thrashing on the ground won’t be faking!
  3. Add quicksand so that anyone who takes too long on a free kick gets sucked in – move or die.
  4. Have a drunk hobo decide when each half starts and ends – bound to be more sensible than whatever the current system is.
  5. In the event of a tie, the coaches must have a duel at midfield – if it ends in a tie, it’s not a sport.
  6. If players pass the ball 10 times without shooting, the ball detonates – would put a stop to this asinine backward passing once and for all.
  7. Release an enraged bull onto the field if things get boring – “Mbappe steps up to take the free kick and OH MY GRACIOUS HE JUST GOT GORED IN THE LIVER!”
  8. Anyone who flops will be thrown into the Sarlacc Pit where they will discover a new definition of pain and suffering – there is no flopping in the Sarlacc Pit.
  9. Give half the players jetpacks and half the players surface-to-air missiles – built in Lockheed-Martin sponsorship.
  10. Instead of kicking a round ball towards a goal, players will carry or throw a more oblong ball towards a kind of “end zone” – definitely onto something here.

With just a few of these changes, soccer might have a real chance to finally catch on! Let us know any changes to the so-called “sport” that you would make!

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