WASHINGTON, D.C — Congress is set to come together and vote on the Respect For Giant Golden Statue Of Nebuchadnezzar Act, or the RFGGSON Act for short. Proponents of the said act claim that requiring nationwide respect for the golden image of the great King Nebuchadnezzar is as necessary as it is powerful and brave.
“The rights of all idol worshippers will never truly be safe without the proper protections under federal law. And that’s why the Respect for Giant Golden Statue Of Nebuchanezzar Act is necessary,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Passing this bill is our chance to send a message to Americans everywhere: No matter who you are, or what massive inanimate object you worship, you deserve dignity and equal treatment under the law. And anyone who’s got a problem with that will be met with fiery consequences.”
“C’mon guys. It’s the kind thing to do. There’s no reason we shouldn’t vote for the RFGGSON Act” said Republican Senator Mitch McConnell while gingerly covering a fresh batch of eggs with sand. “What’s the worst that can happen? All we’re doing is showing a little bit of respect to the Nebuchadnezzar- worshipping community. This shouldn’t affect us!”
According to sources, to quickly tally votes for the RFGGSON Act the Senate will be utilizing a new method of voting. As soon as the music starts, everyone in congress in favor is to bow down and worship a giant golden statue of Nebuchadnezzar that has been erected in the National Mall, and anyone who does not bow down and worship it is to be thrown into a blazing furnace.
At publishing time, Senator Mike Lee attempted to add a “don’t throw people in blazing furnaces” amendment but was unsuccessful.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: