ZORAH, ISRAEL — Following a string of record-breaking feats of strength, conditioning, and weight loss thanks to a full commitment to his keto lifestyle, Israelite strongman Samson found himself facing a whirlwind of temptation when his mistress Delilah took up baking sourdough loaves.

“Come on, honey – lie down and spill the secret to your great strength…over this warm slice of fresh, buttered sourdough.” Delilah spoke to Samson in a way that sources characterize as “sultry,” “soft,” and even “crunchy” while draped over his bed with a plate full of carb-loaded sourdough toast.

Samson is among millions who have found weight loss success through what can no longer be dismissed as a “fad diet,” which helps explain why he fiercely resisted Delilah’s coaxing to eat bread.

“You know sourdough isn’t ketogenic, Dee-dee – it’s part of my Nazirite vow to avoid all carbs, probably!” Samson explained the importance of a high-fat, low-carb diet to maintaining his acuity for massacring Philistines, vandalizing their cities, and burning down their crops, but Delilah seemed unmoved, sobbing about how much she labored over the fermentation, culture activation, and kneading required to evolve her sourdough starter into a bulbous loaf of warmth and comfort.

At publishing time, Samson had relented and was crunching on his third slice of sourdough bread. He has already gained 49 pounds, and in what some onlookers call “cruel poetic irony,” the Philistine guard has been activated to bring him in for threshing wheat.

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