WASHINGTON, D.C. — After fourteen frantic cancellations, Representative Kevin McCarthy called the Capitol Supermarket late Friday night to order a fifteenth “Congratulations Mr. Speaker” celebratory cake.
“Hey, it’s me again,” said Mr. McCarthy. “Yes, the bakery department, of course. No, it’s for real this time! I promise!”
Sources say that the head baker at the Capitol Supermarket was loath to make a fifteenth cake, having grown weary of the proverbial “boy who cried speaker”. “Yeah, sure you’ve got it this time. I totally believe you,” said Mr. Hollins, the head baker. “I’m going to get straight to work on it, can’t you hear me mixing?” asked Mr. Hollins, while banging together some measuring cups.
Mr. McCarthy had also alerted aides to ready the confetti poppers and order his cherished Five Guys cheeseburger for the fifteenth time. “We can’t even walk in the office anymore, it’s so covered in confetti,” said current intern Marci Combs. “And do you have any idea what our tab is already at fourteen orders of Five Guys? We’re going to have to raise the debt ceiling if this goes on any longer.”
At publishing time, the bakery had reportedly declined a 734th “Congrats Governor” cake from some number in Georgia.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: