U.S. — A dispute regarding the nature of vaccination has arisen among faithful followers of The Science, and of Fauci its prophet. According to sources, some progressives say that the sacrament of vaccination is the literal body of Fauci, while others believe it is only symbolic.
“The mRNA juice we inject into our bodies to cover our COVID becomes the literal body of our Blessed Lord Fauci through a process called tranvaxstantiation,” said progressive scholar Banz Tinkleman (he/him). “Whether it be Pfizer or Moderna, we can have faith that the real presence of Fauci is within the vax itself. To suggest otherwise is a damnable heresy. Why we…”
Tinkleman was unable to finish his sentence, as the left side of his face suddenly stopped working.
Several progressives, however, take issue with this view. “We vaccinate as a communal time of remembrance of Fauci and everything he’s done for us,” said a scholar Yix Mixley (she/her), who holds the opposing view. “We acknowledge that the spiritual presence of Fauci, blessings upon him, may be in with and under the vax, but reject tranvaxstantiation wholeheartedly.”
Mixley then collapsed due to heart inflammation.
At publishing time, progressive leaders agreed to settle it through a holy war in which any heretics would be burned at the stake, but ultimately elected to just burn Portland down instead.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: