WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden’s continued efforts to make the world a better place by judiciously banning everything people hold dear continues to bear fruit. After educating the ignorant public on the dangers of gas stoves, the Commander-in-Chief has now set his crosshairs on a hazard that has killed millions throughout history: Fire.

Biden will sign the proposed ban on fire as soon as staffers find a pen that’s not all chewed up and slobbery.

“If you thought gas stoves were murder machines, wait ’til you hear about even dangerouser fire,” said Biden to a flock of journalists, some of whom just this morning had ignorantly used fire to ritualistically burn an effigy of Trump. “You may not know this, but fire has been used in tanks and missiles since its invention during the Paleolithic Period.”

The president then described how fire could have been used by white nationalist MAGA-supporting rioters on January 6th to destroy democracy even more had they known about its ability to destroy things like paper and democracy.

“Fire must be banned to protect everyone, including those who burn their eyebrows off trying to destroy some old unimportant documents sitting next to their Corvette in the garage.”

At publishing time, newly-minted Representative John Fetterman threw in his support with the ban on the dangerous substance with an eloquent, “Fire bad.”

Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:

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