AUBURN, NY — Following the new tradition of erecting disturbing modern-art monuments for prominent historical figures, the city of Auburn has unveiled a bronze statue of abolitionist and Underground Railroad leader Harriet Tubman’s left big toe.
“We felt that this was a fitting tribute for the great Harriet Tubman,” said Brandon Quezada, chairman of the city’s Artistic Initiatives Committee. “Knowing that Boston was unveiling the unspeakably creepy ‘The Embrace’ statue for Dr. Martin Luther King that bears a striking resemblance to various human organs mashed together in an ungodly chimeric abomination from the pit of hell, creating a monument depicting Ms. Tubman’s left big toe and nothing else for some cryptic reason seemed like the right move.”
The city, which became home to Ms. Tubman and her family following the Civil War and also serves as her final resting place, was expecting a large influx of tourists this summer due to the presence of the new statue. Already considering re-branding the city’s official nickname to “Toe Town,” officials were excited to take full advantage of the publicity the monument was sure to attract.
Citizens of Auburn seemed less enthusiastic. “If you’re wanting to honor Harriet Tubman’s contributions to the abolition of slavery and the leading of slaves to safety via the Underground Railroad, why would you choose her big toe?” asked Auburn resident Brian Pillman. “Any why the left big toe, specifically? Is this some weird political statement?”
At publishing time, other reports from around the country indicated that this movement would continue, with Boston looking to unveil a statue of Paul Revere’s tonsils, Montgomery, Alabama making plans for a monument depicting Rosa Parks’s spleen, and Tuskegee University announcing the placement of a statue of Booker T. Washington’s right kidney.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: