MIAMI, FL — Tom Brady announced today he has officially signed a three year contract with the Sunnyshade Retirement Home Shuffleboard Team.

“My competitive fire is still burning strong,” said Brady, donning his team polo. “I look forward to joining my teammates, and working hard to bring a championship trophy to the retirement home where it belongs.”

Competing in the South Florida Sunshine League, the once-dominant Sunnyshade shuffleboard team has seen its share of struggles the past few years. “Sunnyshade has an incredible history,” said Mr. Brady at a press conference. “I know the results these past couple of years have not been what the retirement home residents have come to expect. I believe with our shared commitment to excellence, we can turn that around, and restore the shuffleboard program to its former glory.”

Mr. Brady has brought his remarkable work ethic and patented TB12 pliability program to Sunnyshade, and the results have been immediate. “Ethel hasn’t been able to stand up straight in years!” said team captain Marvin Wiggins. “This young ‘Tom’ fella is really working wonders, I tell ya. He’s got a little work to do on his aim, but I think he’s going to work out great.”

At publishing time, Sunnyshade had come under investigation over reports of disc weights being altered between matches.

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