This decade has been hard on America. COVID ravaged the country, Murder Hornets invaded, Putin keeps threatening nuclear war, UFOs keep flying over our country pretending to be balloons, climate-changed fungi may take over our minds, and now invincible pigs are ravaging the countryside.

Karla Salp/Washington State Department of Agriculture via AP

We are all going to die. Every. Single. One. Of. Us.

Of course, that was always the case. But now we have some really good reasons to fear the imminent apocalypse. Invincible pigs, which just replaced mind-altering fungi as the fear du jour. BTW–did you hear about the fungi? That came and went so fast that most people never did. But apparently, we should be scared of fungi, because of ants or something. And climate change. Always climate change.

I am not kidding. Fungi. And not the mushroom kind. The brain-eating kind.

At least if we all become zombies we can still have our bacon, as invincible pigs are apparently the new thing. And this time we have the Canadians to blame. Have you noticed that Canada has become a serious threat to our way of life recently?

Justin Trudeau. Just sayin’. Bad juju.

A hybrid breed of super pigs—a mix of a domestic pig and a wild boar—is running wild in Canada. And now they have their sights set on the United States.

Originally crossbred to help farmed pigs grow larger and tolerate the cold temperatures of Canada, a drop in the market about two decades ago led some farmers to let their hybrid pigs run free. Now they’re running very free, according to Field and Stream. The super pigs are coming south, likely heading to Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, and Michigan.

The problem? The super pigs are proving hard to eradicate.

Perhaps I shouldn’t make fun of invasive species, because they are a real thing. Asian carp are the most hated example, and rightly so. They not only destroy lakes and rivers but more importantly can knock out a boater who is unlucky enough to get whacked in the head as they jump up. I am not kidding. The damn things jump into the air, and people have gotten whacked in the noggin and knocked out.

These invincible pigs are apparently, or supposedly, in the same category. I am pretty skeptical, because bacon.

BACON! Lots of bacon. Carps give you gefilte fish, but pigs give you BACON. Invincible pigs seem all right to me. Nobody likes gefilte fish. They only pretend to like it on certain days of the year.

And it looks gross too.

Wildlife experts disagree with me, and again they have a point. As a non-hunter, I will never be able to enjoy this particular bacon, and apparently, they are harming the ecosystem.

Worse, they are illegal aliens, invaders from the Great White North. We already get enough illegal aliens. Right?

“Wild hogs feed on anything. They gobble up tons and tons of goslings and ducklings in the spring. They can take down a whitetail deer, even an adult. Originally, it was like ‘wow, this is something we can hunt.’ But it’s become clear that they’re threatening our whitetail deer, elk, and especially, waterfowl. Not to mention the crop damage. The downsides outweigh any benefit wild hogs may have as a huntable species.”

The super pigs have already traversed across the international border, dipping into at least North Dakota. So, expect an even greater occurrence as the hybrid population only grows. Like on public transit, if you see something, say something.

The illegal alien angle is a good one, given the problems we have at the southern border. A two-front war against invaders is worse than a one-front war, and President Biden might actually be moved to do something about this particular type of invader.

At least until somebody accuses him of being fatphobic for going after pigs.

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