KYIV — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly had difficulty concealing his disappointment today after meeting Orlando Bloom and finding out he is not actually a fearsome elf warrior.
“This is not what I expected,” Zelensky was overheard telling his aides when the actor arrived. “I told you I wanted to meet Legolas. Where are the pointy ears? The long, flowing blonde hair? He is not even carrying a bow and arrows! I wanted the fierce elven warrior to inflict heavy casualties on the Russian army, not this effeminate man with whispy facial hair! I was at least hoping to have access to some mithril to armor my soldiers!”
The Lord of the Rings star became the latest in many Hollywood entertainers who have made public relations pilgrimages to pay homage to the Ukrainian President. “It is truly a great honor to meet the great President Zelesnky,” Bloom said to reporters who were brought in to document the meeting. “I came here to show respect and support for Ukraine and also to remind people that I’m alive and that I have not retired from acting and would greatly appreciate a job. Please contact my agent for casting calls!”
Zelensky managed to maintain decorum and politeness when interacting with Bloom but was clearly depressed that his plan to have an elite elven fighting machine as his army’s secret weapon would not be realized.
At publishing time, Zelensky was relieved to have completed his meeting with Bloom and was later heard telling his aides that he wanted to move to “Plan B,” which is believed to be flying in Liam Neeson and Keanu Reeves.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces:
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